Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

Key to a successful marriage​

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband was asked what was the secret to their marriage. He replied, “When we first got married, we agreed that I would make all the big decisions and she would make all the small decisions. So far it’s been all small decisions.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

My marriage is over.​

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos’ marriages both end in divorce?​

Because they realized they were in a union.

 

[01dragonslayer]

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.​

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing your teeth?"

Marriage is a difficult relationship I tell you.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years​

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Will you marry me is a marriage proposal​

But

Will. You. Mary. Me. is a foursome proposal

 

[01dragonslayer]

What's the secret to your happy marriage?​

The future son in law asks his future father in law.

He replies:

Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile in the mule my betrothed was on steped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whispered into it's ear "that's one"

About a ½ mile down the trail the mule steped on a rock and again almost threw her. She whispered into it's ear "that's two"

About ¾ mile in the mule tripper over a branch in the trail and my bride was thown to the ground. She got up, picked up the branch and beat that poor mule to death.

In horror I looked at her and said "sweetheart what the hell did you do that for?!"

She just looked at me and quietly said "that's one"

That was our last argument. Been happy ever since.

 

[01dragonslayer]

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”​

I responded, “pesticide”

 

[01dragonslayer]

My spouse wanted to try some kinky fish/fisherman role play last night.​

I'm hooked

 

[01dragonslayer]

Spouses are like mosquitoes​

We don’t really mind them if we don’t have to listen to them.

 

[01dragonslayer]

After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."​

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one

 

[01dragonslayer]

What do accountants’ spouses say to fall asleep when they have insomnia?​

“Sweetie, tell me about your job.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222​

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an encoded message, meant to a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation, shortly after 2 agents are dispatched to the location.

After some hours of work and observation they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message, the president eventually calls again and says:

Hello. Tu ti, tu tututu.

The 2 agents recorded the enigmatic message and after some more frustration, they decided to call in a specialist in Portuguese language. The specialist after learning of the situation decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the president room.

Wen the specialist got back he explained:

All the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room. Two tea, to two two two.

 

[01dragonslayer]

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.​

The other 35% were women."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Spouse #1: "I love you."​

Spouse #1: "I love you."

Spouse #2: "Is that you or the wine talking?"

Spouse #1: "It's me. Talking to the wine."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A hetero couple posted to r/twoXchromosomes to settle a dispute. One spouse had given their child a bike riding lesson but left the bike in the driveway. The other then backed their car over the bike. Who was at fault—the spouse who left the bike there or the spouse who didn’t check behind them?​

The subreddit overwhelming responded: The husband.

 

[01dragonslayer]

If you and your spouse get amorous in a hammock…​

Does that make you swingers?

 

[01dragonslayer]

After 15 years of marriage you find out your spouse had been with hundreds of men before you got hitched.​

Is this a big deal or is my wife overreacting?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Struggling to think of a Christmas present for your spouse?​

Get them a fridge, and watch their face light up when they open it

 

[01dragonslayer]

Hall pass​

My wife is really not too bright. We have this system where we have what's called a "hall pass" where you get to have sex with any two people in the whole world, as long as your spouse agrees to it.

Now, I picked Angelina Jolie and Christie Brinkley. But my wife, she picked the Mexican guy that mows our lawn and his brother! Out of all the people in the world.