Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

 

[01dragonslayer]

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded, "Yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.




The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said, "Give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too."




The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said, "Give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."




The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
A: You just cant get that screwed up in one lifetime.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel tile wedding, it'd be fine by him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other.

They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.

After she came to, the guy asked,

'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?'

The girl said,

'You told me it was just like a baby.'

The guy replied,

'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.'

 

[01dragonslayer]

wo men are hunting for moose and they decide to split up. All of the sudden one of the guys comes upon the other and raises his gun, “Don't shoot, I'm not a moose!” The guy shoots him anyway. Once he approaches his friend lays there dying and says “Why the fuck did you shoot me, I said I wasn't a moose.” “Ohhhhh” he replys. “I thought you said you WERE a moose.”

 

[01dragonslayer]

Vain Girl: A lot of men are going to be totally miserable when I marry. Girl friend: Really? And just how many men are you planning to marry?

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

 

[01dragonslayer]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.




"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 

[01dragonslayer]

Martin was being interviewed for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

Without hestitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.
She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.



After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the bridge.

 

[01dragonslayer]

You Might Be A Redneck If 56

You might be a reneck if...
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

 

[01dragonslayer]

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?" "Quack, Quack!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?" "He sensed fowl play."

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "What key has legs and can't open a door?" "A turkey."

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "Why did they let the turkey join the band?" "Because he had his own drumsticks."

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?" "He got the stuffing knocked out of him!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "You know you overdid it at Thanksgiving when you thought the serving size for turkey was one."

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "Why shouldn't you sit next to a turkey at dinner?" "Because he will gobble it up."