Jokes and funny stuff....

[01dragonslayer]

• "What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?" "A har-vest."

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "Why didn't the cook season the Thanksgiving turkey?" "There was no thyme!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "What's a turkey's favorite Thanksgiving food?" "Nothing—it's already stuffed."

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "Which holiday is Dracula's favorite?" "Fangs-giving."

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?" "The turkey trot."

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "What instrument does a turkey play?" "The drumsticks!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

"What kind of key can't open doors?" "A tur-key.

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "What kind of noise does a limping turkey make?" "Wobble, wobble."

 

[01dragonslayer]

• "What did Han Solo say to Luke Skywalker on Thanksgiving?" "May the forks be with you."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over. Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.



Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped.

Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"

Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!" Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure.

He says to Bob, "I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?"

Bob replies, "I did, but I landed head first!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

 

[01dragonslayer]

You Might Be A Redneck If 56

You might be a reneck if...
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.



You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

 

[01dragonslayer]

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

 

[01dragonslayer]

wendy was waiting her turn at the bakery, when she heard a prospective bride give the cake decorator a hard time as she previewed her wedding cake.
She demanded many extras and was critical of the work he'd done so far. After she left, he muttered, "I'm glad I put my special golden award on this cake. That young woman is sure eligible for it."

Curious, Wendy studied the cake closely, but saw nothing. Finally the decorator pointed to the tiny bridegroom atop the cake with his tiny bride and there it was . . . barely visible, a tiny wedding ring, inserted in the groom's nose.

 

[01dragonslayer]

A blonde and a brunette went into a bar for a drink. They sat down just as the 6:00 news was being televised in the bar. They were showing a man getting ready to jump off a 20 story building.
The blonde turned to the brunette and said: "I bet you $100 that he doesn't jump." "I'll take that bet," the brunette replied. At that moment he jumped. The blonde took $100 out of her wallet and handed it to the brunette.

I can't take your money, the brunette replied. "No, I insist. A bet is a bet and I want you to take it." The blonde said. "No, I honestly can not take it because I saw the 5 o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."

The blonde replied, "No take the money because I also saw the 5 o'clock news but I didn't think he would jump twice."

 

[01dragonslayer]

A Mexican was attempting to cross into America,when the border guard stopped him and asked if he was an American.

The Mexican replied,"Si Senor."

The border guard told him,"If you're an American, then use these three words in a sentance:'green','pink',and'yellow'."

The Mexican thought about it for a while and replied,"The phone go green-green, I pink it up, and I say yellow?"

 

[01dragonslayer]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.




Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived.
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2009/06/24/

 

[01dragonslayer]

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

 

[01dragonslayer]

Whats invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!